literature

laundry day

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justlittlemusings's avatar
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Literature Text

copper-rusted bucket swinging

from its wire handle with each battering

blast of winter’s breath.

november tears slosh, swirling

around the blemished brim,

teasing gravity with each swing.


the sound of the sea rings in my ear –

enamel-painted echoes –

as i press the conch close to my cheek

until its rough edges draw blood.


still i can hear you, clattering

in the kitchen with pails of warm water

and this week’s sheets draped

over your arms, tangled around your body

like an exotic dress.

your coral-stained lips curve

into a smile.

into a smile that shatters (me).


the shell falls from my fingers

with a yellow-sponge thud

on the damp sand.


silence


and the bucket, hanging

in half-filled abandonment

from its wooden post.

My second assignment for my creative writing course: to write about something man-made in terms of something natural. I'm pretty sure I failed that brief, but this is what happened instead.

1. What is this about, for you?
2. Does it progress easily from beginning to end? Does the change in tone disrupt the piece in a negative way?

Critique: [link]
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TheGlassIris's avatar
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Impact

I honestly don't see anything in here that can be obviously improved so most of what I'll say here will be opinion and hearsay at best. I did notice a lot of neutral to negative imagery that was mainly concrete and rather restrained. I can't put my finger as to why I don't particularly like it though.

In the portrayal of the speaker and what is presumably the child of the speaker, it felt very brief and too short. Not enough detail to know why the smile of the child breaks the speaker's heart. Another thing is why the silence after the shell falling? I get that it implies the removal of the shell and a good deal else. But other than that...I guess you meant it to have that sort of ambiguity that interpretation fill up.

So because I don't think there's any editing left to do, the best I can offer is a late interpretation, see if you'd like to add it to the drawing board, ignore if you can't:

My interpretation of this is that a man is hanging laundry at the beach on a windy afternoon. The rusting bucket behind him clatters noisily and batters itself against the post while the laundry flaps in broken measures. A conch lays at his feet as he stares out towards sea. A second later and he is picking it up, pressing it against his ear as he remembers the things he used to do with you (the woman character). The memories are unpleasant however, and as he squeezes a frustrated fist putting the shell down it accidentally cuts into his ear.

The sound of pans rattling brings his attention abruptly to the kitchen at the opposite end of the beach, where the house is. Then, there she stands. You (the character), a childish ghost of what you used to be making a mess of the kitchen, sloshing water, tangling sheets, and smiling in that wry smirk you reserve only for the worst of his days.

He stands in shock, having not seen you in years. Whether you're a ghost, a vision, or just his imagining, he can't tell. But just the sight of you (the character) is enough to reduce him to a deathless silence. The wind stands at bay, the sheets rustle half-heartedly, and the bucket he used to bathe you (the character) in crackles with rust and watered-down age.

At least that's what I got from the poem. I suppose it is a very good idea, but everyone seems to be coming up with their own interpretations of the core details (the gender of the speaker and secondary character, the relationship and roles that the two engage in, the setting being in a house or a kitchen or near the sea) so I wonder if it's necessarily all that good, the ambiguity.

Other than that, it's a very neat and well-written poem. Emotional, thought-provoking, it has all the minimal characteristics down. I'd like to see more actually. Sorry for not being more helpful.